


How much longer can we ignore our demons?

by Anonymous



Category: Megadeth
Genre: Don’t copy to another site, Hurt, M/M, Relationship Problems, not much comfort, not the healthiest relationship in the world to start with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-14 13:43:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20601758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It wasn’t exactly a sudden realization. It crept up on him slowly, so slowly, he knew about it even before he acknowledged it. A deeply rooted feeling that settled over him so gently only his subconsciousness noticed it and said subconsciousness decided to ignore it for far too long.He wanted to be free, but he also wanted to spare Dave suffering.He felt trapped.





	How much longer can we ignore our demons?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [A_M_Kelley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_M_Kelley/gifts).

It wasn’t exactly a sudden realization. It crept up on him slowly, so slowly, he knew about it even before he acknowledged it. A deeply rooted feeling that bloomed inside him so gently, only his subconsciousness noticed it and said subconsciousness decided to ignore it for far too long.

Marty snorted while laughing, doubled over his guitar and accompanied by chuckling David. This time, the jamming session took a completely unconventional turn and they sounded like a pop band trying to sound psychedelic. He imagined some wailing, high pitched girly voice yowling some barely lucid lyrics and some techno-like beats accompanying it. He smiled widely at Junior, who smiled toothily in return.

He almost missed Dave staring at them with furrowed brows, standing in the doorframe, like he wanted to get in but changed his mind and just lingered there, reading himself to get out. Marty smiled and waved at him but the singer frowned even harder and stalked out of the room. Marty lowered his hand, confused why the redhead appeared to be so cranky but completely oblivious David nudged his knee to bring his attention back to himself and smiled brilliantly. Big, warm puppy eyes glinted with enthusiasm.

‘Check this out.' He played something happy but, at the same time, holding a menacing air to it. The melody thrummed through Marty and, after listening for a second, he started improvising on his own, trying to match the ambiance David created. It had nothing to do with what Megadeth stood for but Marty felt the melody struck something in his very soul. A longing he didn’t even realize lay hidden there.

When he was done with Junior, Marty decided to hunt Dave down and take him for a walk, maybe even grab a snack when they were already out. The longing still thrummed through his body, and in lieu of dealing with it, he decided to slip a word or two to Dave about changing the course of Megadeth’s music journey. Good coffee and something sweet should undoubtedly make Dave more willing to consider what Marty was preaching.

Yeah, that sounded like a solid plan.

'There you are!' Marty managed to find his boyfriend after a few minutes of searching the studio, hidden in one of the smaller rooms, rarely used, mostly when one of them wanted to catch a few zzzs in peace.

The redhead was angrily jotting down some, presumably fresh, ideas for lyrics. Or maybe he was making a shopping list. Marty frowned when Dave didn't even acknowledge his presence.

The guitarist snuck behind Dave and wound his arms around his singer's neck. He nuzzled at the soft mane of hair and peered at the mangled notebook. Yep, Dave was scribbling lyrics. A sad and angry one. Marty felt something heavy settling in this chest, which he ignored once again.

'Wanna go out for a walk? We can swing by a cafe' he rubbed his cheek against Dave's hair and smiled when it finally got some reaction.

'Are you a fucking cat?' Dave gruffed swatting at Marty's head. 'What about Junior? You done with him?' He grimaced at the mention of the bassist, Marty pretended he saw nothing.

'Sure, we were just noodling around. C'mon, let's make it a date.' He smiled broadly, standing calmly under Dave's grumpy glare. His bottom lip was jutting out in almost an angry pout and Marty felt the realization smacking him upside the head: his boyfriend was jealous! Marty almost laughed at the idea of him and David together. Dave had one hell of an imagination.

'I'm paying, you can have the sweetest cake you'll find, I won't judge.' He tempted. 

The final straw was broken with David's arrival, though.

'There you're hiding.' David walked inside and threw himself on the sofa. Dave's look of doom turned towards him but David's head was safely tucked into a cushion. 

He puffed up like a cat seizing an opponent and closed the notebook with more force than the poor thing could withstand. Part of the cover got torn out of the spiral.

'Let's go.' Dave stood up and put his hand around Marty in what was an obviously possessive side-hug, he even wormed three of his fingers into Marty's back pocket while staring at David who couldn't pay him any less attention. Marty snickered at the antics of Dave, as he patted his arm and squished the feeble spark of irritation igniting deep in his soul.

Dave will get over his jealous feat soon enough. He thought to himself.

When they stepped outside the redhead immediately beelined towards their car, opening the door for Marty. 

'Awww… look at my gentleman' Marty cooed and snickered when Dave wrinkled his nose at his tone.

'One word and I'll turn into a savage, I promise’ Dave threatened. Marty patted him on the arm holding the door open, but it did nothing to smooth out his frown, Dave closed the door with a tad bit more force than necessary and Marty felt his teeth rattle with the bang.

The atmosphere in the car was still tense, even when they rolled into a road towards the city, Dave turned on the radio and Marty let him stew in his jealous fit a bit longer, he hoped that a visit to a cafe will let him relax. 

When a familiar song started playing on the radio Marty hummed along, he missed a gleam in Dave's eyes when he also recognized the song. He sat straighter and focused on the road in front of him.

'There is one. I heard it's quite good and there's usually little people here' Marty pointed out a freshly opened cafe to their right but Dave ignored him. It looked like he found his own destination. 

Marty made a face but didn't voice any objection when Dave was passing one cafe after another. He was curious about what plan his boyfriend cooked up in that redhead of his. 

As it turned out, Dave dragged him to one of the fancies cafes around and immediately upon entering, steered him towards a table.

'Wait, I'm gonna go and choose something for us.' Marty's brows raised high up on his forehead at the urgency in Dave's voice. He settled himself down and watched Dave walk briskly towards the counter where, behind a glass, preened beautiful cakes and pies. Muffins were standing proudly in herds and Marty felt himself salivating at the mere sight. 

Then, he realized something.

Marty looked around when a memory tickled his mind, shy and old. 

This place was the same cafe, where Dave took him on their very first proper date. He felt warm and fluffy inside, though a small flicker of worry also settled in his heart.

The redhead came with a proud smile on his face. He sat down in front of him and leaned over the table.

'Guess what I ordered for us ' He asked proudly and Marty wracked his memory in search of what they ordered that first time.

'I'm guessing coffee' he stalled, smiling playfully at Dave who scoffed.

'Don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you.' Marty laughed.

'Cherry pie for yourself and a pumpkin pie for me?' He asked and Dave's smile widened. His eyes were glittering and Marty felt happy, that Dave's mood finally improved. 

They chatted a bit about this and that, both avoiding the elephant in the room and just enjoying the smidge of normalcy that was soothing and warm, like a hug after a long lonely journey.

The coffee came with their pies and Marty was reminded of their first date. How clumsy they were in navigating it, how clumsy they were in the first days of their relationship. Nostalgia settled heavy on his shoulders.

'So why you suddenly decided to take me out for a date?' Dave asked, there was a weird tone ringing in his voice.

'Can't I want to spend some time with my boyfriend?' Marty asked but, under Dave's heavy gaze he sighed, suddenly guilty for taking Dave out to a cafe just to ask him one very demanding request. He started it so now, all that was left for him was to bite that shooting bullet and hope to scrape all his brains from the wall and put it back to his skull.

'I wanted to ask a weird and, probably, a touchy question' Dave stiffened and Marty rushed to explain.

'A touchy quest-'

'Regarding Megadeth, Dave. Regarding our band.' he cut him off before Dave finished his question, the redhead blinked, but the horror was still visible on his face.

'What about Megadeth?' He tried to smile, but it came forced and like the redhead just took an unexpected bite out of a lemon. Bless him, Dave at least wanted to hear him out. Megadeth was one of these things Dave guarded like a highly trained dog.

'We could experiment more, widen our horizons!' Dave's strained smile froze on his lips. Marty could see his boyfriend clamping down like a mussel.

'Experiment you say? Why so sudden?' Dave's voice was cold and falsely disinterested, almost robotic. Marty felt the bite of his pie clogging his throat. He had to wash it down with the remains of his coffee.

'Dave, it's not actually sudden. I've been experimenting on my own for a while and I think a change could do us some good.' Marty felt like his words came out all wrong, he watched as Dave's frown deepened with every word like he was witnessing a car crash. He couldn't do anything to stop what was happening. 

'Ya mean, you and Junior?' Dave hissed, Marty felt himself bristling at the implication but he knew better than to get overly defensive.

'Yes, me and Junior, he heard me playing around with chord progressions and joined. We liked the first session and kept noodling around from time to time. Nothing less, nothing more.' He kept looking Dave in the eyes while speaking and knew immediately that the situation wasn't sitting right with Dave, damn him and his insecurities and damn him reading too much into a simple situation. 

All Marty wanted was to broaden their horizons and have some fun. Was that too much to ask? He was angry not only at Dave but at himself for being so enamored by the prospect of playing something different, he failed to invite Dave to their sessions. He knew Dave didn't like the genres he was playing with and thus thought it to be ok to keep him in the dark. 

Now it was biting him in the ass. He looked at fuming Dave who had a staring contest with his reflection in the glass. The comfortable, light mood that managed to fall around them got shattered and Marty just wanted this day to end.

Dave was fuming, looking angrily at the window while Marty was wracking his head how to diffuse the situation when, at once, Dave visibly deflated. His shoulders sagged, his hands went limp on the table and he closed his eyes, tipping his head to the side.

'Okay' his voice came out muffled, but Marty understood him right away. He felt his jaw hit the floor and roll away.

'What?' He asked dumbly.

'Okay, we can experiment a little.' Dave's eyes gave him chills. He expected a lot more shouting, arguing but not _ this_. Not Dave giving in so easily. Marty felt like he missed a step and was falling down. 

'But, a second ago-'

'You wanted to fucking experiment and I'm agreeing, what the fuck do you want more!?' Dave boomed. He finally opened his eyes and looked at Marty. There were so many raw emotions - anger, fear, confusion - that Marty forgot how to breathe.

He was in a fucking twilight zone, he had to find his footing this instant. 

'Nothing Dave, nothing more. It's all I wanted - to change our course a bit' he grabbed one of Dave's hands and squeezed it. 'I'm super grateful Dave. I know how much you love Megadeth and that you already have a vision of what it is and what it'll be. I know how much you love this band, and to let me interfere in its future. Dave, thank you so much.' Dave's hand was trembling slightly and Marty realized just what happened here, how big of a moment it was. 

Instead of it feeling grand the feeling, that it was all wrong was back, but now accompanied by an additional feeling that he did not deserve any of the power Dave, so reluctantly, handed to him and that confused Marty. Wasn’t he supposed to be happy that they could create things he loved together?

He suddenly felt like the world was both too small and too big for them. And to top it all off, he felt like he said something wrong. Dave looked at him searchingly but he must have not found what he was searching for, he swallowed hard and drew back. Dave looked like all the energy he possessed had escaped him, and that bothered Marty to no end.

They sat in heavy silence for a bit, crumbs and cherry filling leftovers on Dave’s plate looked like a miniature crime scene, they lost appetite. 

'Do you want to go home?' Marty asked softly and Dave just nodded. The bill had already been settled by the redhead so Marty kissed his cheek as a silent thank you and to somehow soothe both himself and Dave. It did not work.

This time it was Marty who was driving. The silence was pressing at him like it wanted him to do something more, say something at least. He remained silent. Dave's decision, instead of filling him with joy, sat heavy in his heart. Like it was a final test and he somehow failed it despite knowing all the right answers.

The world outside was already dark, the early autumn took away the warm, golden evenings leaving instead a chill creeping up your spine and darkness lurking around.

When they arrived home Dave immediately went to the bathroom, avoiding any more conversations. When he emerged Marty just went in to clean himself up. He hoped that giving Dave space will somehow chase the awkwardness that suddenly wormed itself between them.

Everything felt surreal.

When he emerged from the bathroom Dave was already lying in bed, his back turned towards Marty. He felt a pang of something sad but before he truly identified the emotion, Marty pushed it as far away from his consciousness, as it was humanly possible. He just wanted to sleep and wake up to what was before, without stupid questions and eerily submissive Daves. 

He walked towards the bed and crawled under the covers scooting closer to Dave and hugging him from behind. The redhead tensed under his touch but remained silent, even when Marty’s hand started massaging gently his belly and slowly straying more and more South. Marty stopped his ministrations and moved Dave’s hair over his shoulder uncovering the nape of his neck, where he placed a tender kiss but still, nothing came from Dave.

The darkness of the room suddenly felt oppressing, a sinking feeling in his gut told him that a storm was coming and Marty worried that this time there was no chance of hiding under a blanket to wait it out.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked in a gentle tone, placing his arm around Dave in a loose embrace. The redhead grunted, his body still unpleasantly stiff under his touch. 

'C'mon I can't read your mind, you have to tell me what's worrying you' Marty pressed, already knowing what the cause of Dave's mood was. He wanted to be oblivious but, sadly, he was not stupid.

Dave remained silent, but he moved backward, fitting himself snugly under Marty's chin. The warmth of their bed must have given him the courage to ask the uncomfortable question himself.

'What's between you and Junior?' Dave gruffed like the words physically hurt to be uttered. The tension was palpable in his body, a mulish look in his eyes. Marty hummed noncommittally at first, weighing his words. He had to be clear on this topic. As clear as a mountain river, their cafe talk was not enough to settle Dave's worries and Marty already felt tired of repeating himself. He had to get through Dave's insecurities before he himself will get irritated.

'We are friends and bandmates.' He said slowly, the sinking feeling from before coming back. He felt a realization knocking at his mind, softly and timidly and Marty wanted to ignore it a bit longer. He hugged Dave to his chest, praying the redhead couldn't hear his heart hammering in his ribcage.

'Don't fuck with me, Marty!' Dave was getting angry, but at this point, Marty knew one very important thing.

With Dave, there was anger and _ anger. _The latter just a mask to hide fear and hurt. And, fuck, Dave was clearly scared, he trashed in his arms and turned to look Marty in the eyes, fire blazing in his own almost engulfing the fear and the desperate plea. 

Dave was wordlessly begging him to say that he loved him, that Marty was going to stay by his side forever and ever. Needy and desperate to break the curse of people leaving him.

Looking into those eyes, Marty felt the realization unfurling in his mind.

Yes, he loved Dave.

But he also wanted out, he wanted more and Dave could not give him that much.

The world finally crashed around him, deadly silent in its tragedy. The detritus of what was once theirs pressed at his body, the dust of trashed promises choked him, he lost his footing on the last wobbly element of the burning remains and was hurling down, down, _down_ towards the end.

The night bared its teeth at him, cackling at his crisis.

Dave looked at him, searching for anything that would disagree with his statement. In the brown eyes, there was worry and fear. They lost their anger and were just uncertain. Lost. 

Dave found nothing hinting that Marty was lying. How could he? Marty saying he had only platonic feelings towards David was the single, most honest thing he said that night. Or maybe even in some months. He didn't want to think about how long he has been lying to _ himself _. How he opted to go the easiest route.

'If you're lying to me, Friedman, I swear to God-!' Marty grabbed Dave and hugged him, stopping him mid-threat. 

'I swear, there is nothing between me and David.' He hugged Dave like he was his lifeline. Dave's embrace was equally bone-crushing. 

'Don't you dare cheat on me!' Dave growled, his voice muffled by Marty's shirt who just started threading his fingers through Dave's hair.

'Never' He murmured because it still was the truth. He dreaded Dave asking the right question, but the redhead grabbed a fistful of Marty's shirt and remained silent, but still tense.

Marty could feel the moment Dave fell asleep, long minutes after they stopped talking. His body relaxed, sagging against Marty's chest and the guitarist felt like the weight of Dave's top half was a physical manifestation of tonight's revelation crushing him. A tiny fraction of the psychological weight adamant on stealing his breath. He stared at the ceiling hidden in the dark.

At some point, Dave rolled away from him and that left Marty feeling bare and cold.

He tossed and turned searching for a comfortable position to fall asleep, but the bed turned into a too warm, too soft and too crowded trap. The minutes ticked by and Marty became more and more frustrated with himself and with the world in general. 

When he finally managed to fall asleep, instead of deep slumber, awaited him a nervous, light as a feather sleep that granted only tiredness and frayed nerves. 

Marty woke up with a curse when something whacked him on the head. Instinctively he shoved himself backward almost falling off the bed before the whimpering and tossing next to him got registered by his brain, still trying to find its way into reality through the sleepy fog.

Dave kicked in his sleep, tossing and turning frantically, his leg missed Marty's by millimeters. The guitarist sighed and reached behind himself to turn the light on. He squinted as the brightness assaulted his eyes. Dave whimpered. 

Marty grabbed his singer's arm and shook him, ready to move away in case Dave took a blind swing at him.

'Dave, wake up. It's just a bad dream.' The sleeping man frowned, he looked close to tears, his breath stuttered like he was trying not to sob. He tossed his head from side to side, muttering under his breath.

'Dave, c'mon!' Marty shook him with more force, bending over the redhead. The jostling finally worked.

Dave shot upright with a gasp, clutching the comforter to his heaving chest. Few tears escaped and rolled down his cheeks, but Dave seemed to still be one foot inside his nightmare.

'It was just a dream, Dave, baby' Marty soothed sitting close but not yet touching the disoriented man, aside from his hand resting on Dave's arm. He was shaking slightly and that scared Marty.

Dave was prone to nightmares but he usually could deal with them just fine. The last time it was that bad must have been when their relationship was still in question. When Dave didn't know where he was standing and how to act around Marty.

'Just a dream, everything is okay now. See?' He moved a tad bit closer and managed to peer into Dave's scared eyes.

'I'm here, Dave, we are safe. Look around, see? It's our bedroom. Everything is okay' Marty kept his voice low and soothing, murmuring everything that came to his mind.

Dave closed his eyes shut, falling sideways straight into Marty's arms. Marty hugged him and started rocking from side to side, after a second he moved his hand between Dave's shoulder blades and started moving it in small circles. He still kept a steady chatter of sweet, soothing nothings.

'Do you want to talk about it?' He asked minutes later when the redhead stopped crushing him in a desperate hug but Dave shook his head no. Marty rolled his eyes. One of these days he will get tired of Dave's clamping down and bottling his feelings. One day. 

'Do you want something warm to drink? Tea? We should have some melissa. C'mon, let's go to the kitchen and drink some melissa tea.' He stopped petting Dave's back and waited for him to uncurl. After a few sniffles, the redhead straightened himself. Marty squeezed his arms.

'C'mon, babe.' He moved out of the bed and grabbed Dave's hand to walk him to the next room. Dave trailed after him, subdued and curled in on himself. 

Marty sat him down at the table and turned the kettle on before padding around the kitchen in search of the tea, humming some tune while doing it. 

He grabbed Dave's favorite mug, the one with "Have a nice day" printed on the sides but a big fat middle finger on the bottom and for himself he grabbed a solid black one with slightly chipped side, the poor thing once got bumped by Dave's mug and came out of the collision with slight scarring, the guitarist liked it nonetheless. Marty dumped tea bags inside them before pouring in the boiling water.

He put the mug between Dave's hands and sat down opposite him. 

Now all he had to do was wait for Dave to process his feelings and start talking.

It took him long enough for the tea to cool down to an acceptable temperature. Dave took a few sips but, all in all, treated the mug more like a palm-warmer than anything else, while Marty steadily sipped from his, waiting. He itched to prod Dave and make him talk much sooner, but with great difficulty, he squashed the need to deal with the problem immediately.

Pushing Dave was like trying to swallow a pufferfish. He got progressively more prickly and threatened to choke his prodder.

The longer they sat in silence, the thicker the atmosphere around them began. Marty wanted to go back to sleep and wake up to a normal day, not _ this_.

Dave stared blankly at the mug in his hands. The air around him seemed heavy and Marty felt the hairs on the nape of his neck rise. The night outside was cold and uncaring, it's darkness pressing at the windows and threatening to swallow them. It was like the small kitchen was the only source of light and warmth in the whole world. Marty felt small and lonely, trapped in the only place that could protect him from the outside. He couldn't decide if he wanted to run away or stay here with Dave inside the artificial warmth. 

'I dreamt you cheated on me with David' Dave mumbled, not looking at Marty for which the guitarist was grateful. He couldn't stop the shock, guilt, and fear from twisting his features. He gaped at Dave, feeling dread lapping at his feet like a cold vast sea. 

'You were so fucking happy with him, you could barely look at me. You both spat at me, told me I was a fucking failure. That I was a shit lover and a shit leader. That you were tired of me. Both of you were pissed off and ready to leave. Told me that you'd be better without me. And when you were walking away, none of you, bastards, even glanced in my direction. None of you as much as twitched, when I was crying and begging, and promising to be better, to fix all this shit.' Dave's voice was starting to wobble, he squeezed the mug like it was the only thing keeping him from drowning. He looked small and lost in the small kitchen. 

Marty was awfully aware of the distance between them. Only a table, but it felt like galaxies. He looked outside, but instead of the darkness, he stared in his own eyes. Scared and full of shame. He couldn’t tell Dave about his feelings. Not _ now _. Not anytime soon.. Dave was too vulnerable. There was also a spark of irritation, but Marty mostly smothered it down. He gritted his teeth. The longing was gnawing at his heart. Tearing a gaping hole in it.

The warm colors of the kitchen, the years of memories and plans they built up lost their comfort in a span of just a few minutes, now they were leering at them both. Sneering at how blind they wanted to be regarding each other.

Marty felt cold. The vast black sea of dread and yearning was reaching his knees and Marty knew it will drown him.

He looked at Dave who hid behind his hair, his shoulders were tense and Marty worried he will break the mug between his hands. 

He made his decision.

The black sea lapped at his thighs.

He took a deep breath.

‘Dave, I know I might have neglected you, and I’m sorry, so sorry it hurt you. It was not my intention. I just got lost in exploring new music and David just happened to stumble into this rabbit hole with me. There is nothing, I repeat, _ nothing _besides friendship between us.’ Dave peered at him from under his fringe, his eyes were hopeful but wet. Marty had to force himself to maintain eye contact, those eyes were too deep, too sad they were just too much.

‘I can’t even imagine leaving you like this, I would never. You know I love you, I hope you know this. Because I truly do love you, Dave.’ 

The worst part of this statement was how honest Marty was. The love was still burning in his chest, even when the dread and longing were flooding him. He still cared deeply for Dave and he couldn't imagine hurting him. Especially not like in the redhead’s nightmare.

Dave’s breath was shuddering, his eyes were glinting with unshed tears and Marty finally stood up and hugged his singer, who clung to him as a shipwreck survivor would cling to flotsam. 

Marty felt himself drowning.

**Author's Note:**

> I SWEAR TO GOD it was supposed to be happier, fun even. Maybe end up with some hot steamy sex. But NO, before I knew it, the story took angsty turn and I liked it, wanted to explore it and see where it'll take me. There was once scene that took me ridiculously long to write as I had zero ideas on how to even write it. Can you guess which one? x'D  
Either way, enjoy some quick sad stuff.


End file.
